How to Have Sex Appeal

Seductive, fetching, and something that improves with experience – it's sex appeal. Not limited to the beautiful people, sex appeal is something within everyone's reach no matter your looks and age. It derives from unabashed self-confidence, healthy self-love, and a belief that you're worth knowing.
How you talk, dress, move, and behave will ultimately define whether you've got sex appeal... or not. Whether you're keen to improve your sex appeal for romantic or social reasons (and really, you should focus on developing it for both reasons), you can't go wrong by being willing to get started.

1. Understand what makes people truly attractive. When assessing what makes up sex appeal (aka the "X factor", the "It factor", the "inner glow", etc.), don't make the mistake of assuming that looks are everything. Presentation matters but looks themselves are only a small part of the story and even then, the value of commonly agreed upon standards of beauty can be deceptive. Think about beautiful people you've known who had lacked personality, and you'll realize quickly that good luck in the genetics department is definitely not what sex appeal is about! Sex appeal is the entire package – making the most of your positive features, feeling comfortable in your skin (or as the French say, "bien dans sa peau"), and putting your best self forward for others to appreciate. Herein lies an often overlooked side to sex appeal – it isn't a case of getting what you want because you're attractive. Rather, sex appeal is about giving; principally, your allure derives from the very fact that just being around a confident and insecurity-free you makes others feel good about themselves. Your "glow" is a gift to others; and while not everyone will accept this gift, most people will be open to the warmth of being made to feel good about themselves, even if it's just for a few moments in your presence. Ultimately, sex appeal is the va-va-voom or oomph that causes you to glow more brightly than most; you're magnetic and appealing because you're self-assured.
2. Dress with style. It doesn't matter that you might be big boned, small waisted, tall, short, or stuck with a nose you wish you could trade for another. Good grooming, stylish dressing, and careful deportment will do more for you than a supposedly perfect body shape. Coco Chanel once quipped: "If a woman is not well dressed, one notices for her outfit, but if she's impeccably dressed, it's she that one notices." This applies equally to men and reflects that when you've got the style sorted, it's you that shines through, not your cloth and gem embellishments. And keep in mind that leaving much to the imagination is far sexier than wearing revealing clothing.

When purchasing clothes, focus on camouflaging what doesn't look as great as you'd like while accentuating the best features. Know what looks good on you and what's not; fashion is about wearing only what flatters you, since then you will feel comfortable and act more naturally.
Keep your hair in excellent shape and well cared for – think about how you perceive someone with unkempt hair and someone with groomed hair; the appeal on the eye is very different.
For women, don't overdo the makeup. Too much will always be unflattering.
In the workplace, there are subtle but important rules about what you wear that are worth paying attention to. Having sex appeal at work should be personality driven; with the clothing, it should only ever be hinted at. Dress professionally for work according to your workplace standards (even if it's casual, make sure you're in smart, well pressed clothes). That means avoiding wearing clothing that reveals enough to cause people to think they're in your bedroom. For women, avoid sheer clothing, deep cleavage, skirts that barely cover your backside, too much makeup, or strapless tops. For men, avoid unironed, "just-got-out-of-bed" looks, sheer clothing, clothing that's too tight, unbuttoned hairy chests, and flip flops.

3. Love your body. Avoid obsessing over your body shape. Worrying about what isn't right about you can lead to obsessing over the fine details and neglecting your real assets, such as your glorious mane of hair, your fabulous smile, your sense of humor, or your strengths. Obsessing and worrying are the antithesis of sex appeal because they cause you to focus inwardly, and to allow other people's judgment of you to have too much power over you. Sex appeal only works when you're able to embrace your appearance for all it is and still love yourself, and project the best of you while downplaying anything that you're not so keen about. And remember this about those supposed "faults": nobody else magnifies them the way you do, so the sooner you cease worrying about them, the better.

Be comfortable about your sexual nature. Within sex appeal is the word sex, after all. And for romantic liaisons, it's assumed that part of your desire is sexual. Being comfortable with your own sexuality is important for having sex appeal, because feeling confused, disgusted, ill-at-ease, or prudish about your sexuality and the sexuality of others will not give you sex appeal. If you're experiencing confusion or dissatisfaction with your sexual side, seek help and advice from those trained to work with sexual problems.
Body love and sexual identity are very closely entwined; if you're going to ask your lover to turn off the light every time you make love just because you're worried about your body shape, you're going to feel inhibited. Spend your love life with people who love you for who you are and don't want to change you; your electric light bills might be a bit higher but so too will be your own electricity!
If you're not healthy or happy with your current body, do something about it. But in the process of fixing that aspect of yourself, you don't need to let your personality sink. Keep projecting the lovable, affable person you are as you stick with your healthy regime.

4. Be "smexy". This simply means a combination of being smart and sexy. Sex appeal is about both looking your best and thinking your best. Put your smarts out there as well as your gorgeousness; denying your intelligence is a foolhardy way to aim to be appealing. Make it clear from the outset that you think for yourself and never shy away from making decisions for yourself or you'll risk being viewed as a docile and complacent person. Being smexy includes:

Having empowering beliefs. This is not only about yourself but about others too – being genuinely interested in ensuring that others get ahead and have what they need is a very attractive trait.
Being flexible without being a pushover. This means that you're willing to heed other's wishes and be flexible about these where it's constructive to do so but you're also able to maintain your sense of self and keep your boundaries intact.
Being independent. It's very sexy to show that you can stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally, and that you're both resourceful and resilient.
Be busy. Looking bored and not knowing what to do with yourself is unappealing and even threatening. A busy person however, is attractive and inspiring; others will want to know what you're doing and how they can keep up with you.

5. Feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself and believe in your own worth, it shows. This is appealing because people feel instantly at ease with you, as they sense they don't have to reassure you or tiptoe around you. So relax, be comfortable about yourself, and let your confidence exude. Tell yourself that you're beautiful inside and out, wonderful to know, and think of all the great reasons why people will like you for you. Confidence is the most important source of sex appeal, so if yours is feeling a bit low, it's an ideal time to improve it. Here are some suggested articles:

6. Be positive, upbeat, and a person who smiles and laughs a lot. Laughter and smiling have a lot to do with sex appeal. Everyone wants to feel better about themselves and about the world around them. Smiles and laughter help create that positive atmosphere and reassure people that you're fun to be with and that you're going to do your best to see the positive side of things even during challenging times. And upbeat people notice the possibilities, something that can take others by surprise and reroute their pessimism. But don't confuse this with forced positive attitudes, or what author Barbara Ehrenreich terms "magical thinking"; that kind of thinking that causes you to see the "glass half full" when it's completely shattered.^[1] Rather, this is the kind of positive thinking that emanates from knowing that you're strong, determined, and resilient enough to cope with hardships and that you pick yourself up and learn from life's vicissitudes.

Laugh regularly because it's good for you and because it's attractive to people around you. Read How to laugh and How to laugh a lot for more advice.
Smile on the inside. Force a smile even if you're not in the mood for it (think of yourself at your best) and notice how your body starts to change. Carry around an inner smile and it will express itself in the way you hold your body, walk, and react with daily life. Also learn how to smile when you don't feel you can.
Learn how to smile with your eyes. Model Tyra Banks coined the term "smize" to sum up this very effective and all-encompassing smile.
Smile in the face of adversity and difficult connections with others. Even if they don't return your smile, it's warming the thaw just a little bit and it's for your benefit to remain upbeat when others are down around you.
Indulge in being funny and seeing the less serious side of life. Being the tension reliever when social relations take on too serious an edge is bound to draw people to you.
Don't evaluate humor. Once you start questioning "is this really worth laughing at", you're taking things too seriously and dampening the happy spirit around you. And that's just not sexy. Join in and laugh because it's good for you, good for everyone else, and makes you look fantastic.

7. Be aware of how your body language impacts other people. Your body language is a major aspect of sex appeal. You can make a decision to withdraw, and pull your neck in, hold your head down, linger back from the crowd, and try to make yourself as small as possible or you can decide to stand tall, hold your head high, maintain a beautiful posture and make your presence well and truly known. Which of those two images is sexier to you? When aiming to give out the glow, some of the things to be really aware of when interacting with other people include:

Maintain eye contact. Whether you're planning on taking things further with a person in a romantic context or you just want to cement a lasting social relationship with another human being, eye contact is a major source of deepening your connection. Looking away from people or casting your eyes downwards is a way of blocking people out and staying in your own world; don't worry, people won't try and enter it. To have sex appeal though, eye contact is essential because it invites people into your world and embraces them. And the longer the eye contact, the more you're telling that person that you're really interested in them. If you're currently uncomfortable with eye contact, force yourself to start trying – make a pact with yourself to look at the eyes of three unknown people a day and see what happens. At first it'll be challenging but as you keep practicing, you're likely to find yourself becoming more interesting to others and sparking a lot of new connections.
Use open body language. This is expressive movements that engage and enfold other people in your sphere. Things that draw people closer to you include hugs, open arms, leaning forward to listen, open hands, uncrossed arms, facing your heart toward the other person's heart. If you're wearing a coat or jacket, unbutton it to show that you're opening your heart to them.^[2]
Use touch. Touching people is a truly energizing form of connecting with others. Brushing your hand against their arm, holding their arm briefly, hugging them, placing your hand on a shoulder, etc., are all ways that you can connect. Move in closer when you touch others, and if you have romantic intentions, even seek to match your breathing with the other person's.
Smile and laugh. As discussed in the previous step.

8. Love people. Loving humanity as a whole will improve your sex appeal. You're a human, so why is it so easy to make comments like "I hate my fellow human beings, they're all so [...]". It's easy because when we talk like that, we're assuming that people who don't conform to our way of thinking or being, are so unlike us that they're not worth loving. Setting aside those antagonistic feelings lets you open up to love people for who they are. This doesn't mean that you have to like individuals; naturally, there will always be people you don't click with and people whose moral habits are not in line with human dignity but these exceptions are not an excuse for assuming the majority of human beings are not lovable. When you make it clear that you love people as they are, no matter what their achievements, wealth, choices, looks, etc., then you immediately make them feel wanted and at ease. And that makes you desirable.

Be curious about people. Asking others to tell you more about themselves is a means for getting to know them better and is extremely flattering. Being curious is one of the top means for connecting with other people.
Facilitate connections with other people. What's just as sexy as being connected to you? Being connected to the people you know! Help others meet the people you believe they'd benefit from knowing. It's relationship building, it's empowering, and it's a way of increasing the people you can rely on too.
Don't let your experience with one person cloud your experiences with everyone else. Sex appeal can be thwarted by carrying around the emotional baggage from previous relationships and projecting this onto every future prospective romantic and social relationship. Don't allow the tension from one relationship lead you to think that this will infect all relationships.
Develop graceful ways for cutting things short with people you're not keen to spend more time with. They don't need to feel they're any less a person just because the two of you aren't clicking; be generous in your estimation of them and make the short space of time you do spend with them special.

9. Compliment people. This step follows directly from loving human beings for who they are. Always look for the good in people and remind them of why they're fantastic to be around. It's very hard to resist someone who notices the best in you. Once you feel good about yourself and confident in your own direction, your senses will awaken to seeing the good in others and it'll be easy to point out what you appreciate about them. There is much to appreciate about others in your life, including how much you enjoy their company, how you're inspired by their spirit or independent nature, how much you love their loyalty to their family, or even how much you admire the choices they've made in their lives from pets to jobs. Read How to compliment people and How to give compliments to people who won't take them for more advice.

Compliments are good for everyone; give them readily to family, friends, lovers, colleagues, and strangers.
Receive all compliments with a hearty Thank You!. Rejecting compliments is a form of disliking yourself and distrusting others. And that's not sexy. Look at it this way too – even if the compliment isn't genuine, so what. It's out there in the world for you to grab and make good with. Read How to take compliments for more advice.
Find the common interest. Try and find the common ground when talking with another person. This means you meet at the same level and connect on something you both feel comfortable about. When spending time talking with other people, always aim to find this common ground to further cement your appeal. Use compliments to reassure them that you're on their wavelength.

10. Don't age discriminate. Sex appeal has longevity. For many people, sex appeal increases with age and there is definitely no reason to think you "lose it" after any particular age. From movies to book characters, it's clear that older men are considered sexy. And while women's sexiness into older age has been downplayed in the past, nowadays women are also proving that being older is no barrier to having great sex appeal.^[3] Older age brings some of the following benefits for enduring sex appeal:

You don't have kids in tow. They can dampen the sexiest of moments but when you're older, responsibility for kids is no longer in the picture and won't be again either! This is liberating because both parties don't need to fear being dragged into a relationship for the sake of having kids. Fashion model Cindy Joseph, who was discovered as a model in her 50s, makes the prescient comment that around older women, "men have no fear of ownership or possession".^[4] Her comment cuts both ways, as many women reach a stage where they don't want to feel this sense of relationship possessiveness either.
There is less competitiveness in relationships when people age. Older people tend to have assuaged their fears of being "left on the shelf" and are less competitive toward one another over issues of love, power, and control.^[5] This allows for deeper concentration on others instead of being driven by the inward-looking behavior that fear creates, opening you up to greater levels of connection.
Experience makes most of us wiser and stronger. There is something very alluring about people who are comfortable with themselves because they've already been through the challenges of life and come out the other side more knowledgeable, more compassionate, and accepting.
Many older people are not afraid to be their real selves. They're through with pretending to like things they don't like, to try and look like people they've nothing in common with, or to be pining after lifestyles that are artificial or unobtainable.

11. Just believe in yourself. Finally, but most importantly, sex appeal isn't something to labor over. The hard work is done when you build your self-confidence, learn to love others for who they are, and find your purpose in this world. Sex appeal tends to exude as the fruit of your ongoing personal development. So the best advice after all this advice is to not try too hard to have sex appeal. Provided you've learned to love yourself and others well, it'll come naturally.

Tips

People with sex appeal tend to appeal to everyone, young, old, male, female, baby, senior citizen. This is because they resonate with the other person and show interest in them for who they are, showing genuine interest. In a way, this about flirting with everyone!
Pretty is as pretty does. Be the person you believe yourself to be on the inside. Attractiveness is not just about physical qualities. Charisma, magnetism and confidence are far more attractive than a stereotypically "beautiful" person with a nasty attitude.
Stand tall and be observant. If you find someone who may have been glancing in your direction, walk over and start a conversation. The best line to use is "Hi my name is (state your name clearly and confidently) and how are you?" Don't wait for the other person to initiate.
Pretending to be someone or something that doesn't fit within the person you really are is a recipe for disaster and a promise of a life of discomfort. Remember the Chinese proverb: "Tension is the person you think you ought to be; relaxation is the person you really are". Natural charm really is the most alluring.
Be a little mysterious. While it's important to be open about your feelings, your love for life and for others, it's also a good idea to keep back some things, especially for romantic purposes. A little mystery goes a long way. This is similar to the advice to not wear clothes that are too revealing; leaving some things to the imagination is always more appealing than revealing all.

Warnings

Take an honest and objective look at yourself in the mirror before you step out. Make sure what you see is the image you are trying to portray. Too many times we fall prey to images we think we ought to project rather than the one that is truly us, and that creates a lot of inner tension. That tension reduces our appeal because we're suffering from an internal struggle. Nobody wants to take on other people's internal struggles; they've got their own to contend with. The more you present an image that is in line with the person you are and feel comfortable with, the more your sex appeal will increase.
Not everyone will find you appealing, or see you as having "sex appeal". The answer to that is: So what? Just keep being the pleasant, divine, and wonderful person you are and leave the negaholics to fight their own battles.
Avoid wearing clothes that make you look as if you needed a smaller or bigger size, or clothes that do not accent the positive and downplay the negative. Avoid using clothes as a means to hide from the world; if you find yourself doing this regularly, it's a good idea to talk this through with someone you trust because it's likely that your emotional issues are driving your clothing choices and you might be avoiding a much-needed healing process.
Don't lead people on. They may find this offensive, feel rejected and become angry or upset. Learn how to embrace all comers in your life but also learn how to gracefully unhook yourself from their presence when you've had enough or realize they're not the person you feel like being around. Respect the person but also respect your boundaries and assertively, politely, remove yourself from their space.
Listen to the feedback other people offer, either positive or negative. Do more of what generates positive feedback and less of what generates negative feedback. This isn't a reason to become self-critical though; it's a really useful sounding board for self-improvement where you know deep within that the suggested adjustments will make things better for you. Provided you think critically about other people's feedback, you'll know what criticism to reject.
Showing tummy overhang and butt cracks does not increase your sex appeal!